A Girl's Guide to Vampires  - Katie MacAlister

Alright, I've spent the last couple hours doing everything on BL (reading Grim Lists, following more reviewers and reading tons of reviews in the process) except writing this review. I originally rated the book 2 stars, but I bumped it up by 1/2 star because I really can't decide whether I hated this book as much as I think I did and whether I hated it for the right reasons. -edit- bumped it back to 2 after thinking over. v_v;

This was the Vaginal Fantasy book club pick of the month, selected by the lovely Miss Bonnie Burton, and I had truly hoped to like this one. I think it was mentioned that this book was a parody on 'chic lit', but unfortunately I have never looked in to that genre so I hadn't a clue what to expect. After reading this, I'm pretty certain that this type of parody just doesn't work for me. In fact, reading this was just plain annoying. I even felt silly about feeling this way because I knew what it was and kept on reading. So maybe a star should be taken from me, instead, for being a stick in the mud. :P

Let's start with what I liked. The writing was well done and the descriptions were great, which overall, made reading it easy and not a chore. The characters were memorable at least... if you consider a truck load of crazy a selling point to your character development.

That's pretty much where it ends on the likability scale. I didn't find anything laugh out loud funny, I saw the lines that were meant to be funny, but the reaction I had was more likely to cringe or just shake my head. Perhaps it was just too much, and went way overboard on the characters behaving so awful I almost felt embarrassed for them. My overall feelings after I would reach another chapter were "Please eyeballs, read the damn text faster".

What can you expect from this book?

  1. Women talking about, and only concerned with, men.
  2. Every man in the book had the hots for the main character.
  3. The steamy parts of this book were juvenile and cringe-worthy.
  4. The character interactions were absurd and the dialogue was equally as bad. One of my chapter notes simply states, "The dialogue in this chapter came off as a poorly acted play.", which I think could be said about the entire book.
  5. Zero suspension of disbelief going on, so if that's what you like in your fiction...
  6. Everything was predictable.

So yeah, it was meant to be a parody but just not what I was looking to get out of it. Quotes below in the spoiler tags.... are these things supposed to be funny? Maybe I just need to get a sense of humour... :(


"I blew out the end of the condom."
He grinned and slowly lowered me until I was sitting on his groin. "It's like sitting on a broomstick," I said, my eyes widening as I wiggled around on him a little, sliding back and forth along his long, hard length.
He pulled my hips against him as he entered me again and again with quick, hard thrusts, touching my womb, touching my soul, searing himself into my heart with every hot word of love he moaned into my neck, setting me alight with the pure joy of our combined rapture.
"I just can't help wondering why he disappeared, and didn't try to seduce me."
I'd much rather talk about Raphael than watch some silly magic act.

The quotes below are maybe a little funny?

The cheerleaders in my groin were setting up fundraising car washes to finance a field trip to his groin.
I looked at him as if he had an extra toe growing out of his ear.
(show spoiler)