Undead and Unwed by MaryJanice Davidson

This book started off okay (if you discount chapter 3) and as I read I thought to myself, "Yes! Finally a Bonnie pick that I can give at least 3 stars!" But nope. Maybe it was because the last book I read was so terribad that this one actually seemed funny for a while. This 'thinking it was funny' made a 180 when I reached chapter 16.

I mulled over all this last night while I was trying to fall asleep. I skimmed the chapters again before starting this review just to make sure I wasn't overthinking things. I don't think I am. There was just too much reference to child abuse and rape (in a light-hearted way) that I could not accept this as funny. There were also racial and homophobic references that left me feeling irritated. The racial stuff wasn't that bad. This, to me, seemed like she wrote in a character of colour just so everyone wasn't white and very rarely have I read a book in which this is handled well. I can let that pass. But the homophobic stuff... ungh! This started at chapter 16 and came to an almighty crescendo at chapter 19 with this line:

"I bet you say that to all the girls, you overly-moussed nancy boy."

This homophobic shit went on for four chapters and then the topic was dropped like it went out of style. This left me wondering WTF was that all for? WHY? WHY?!?!?! I probably wouldn't have hated this book if those four chapters hadn't made it to publication. Chapter 17. This chapter was rage inducing. It was DISGUSTING.

(show spoiler)

I probably should have just walked away from this train wreck right then and there. *sigh*

The romance was lame. The guy she was supposed to get it on with was LAME. Not attractive, not likable, not even interesting. Most of the characters weren't interesting. The ending was obvious and then... just... ended. Bleh.

I usually don't add these because my chapter notes are just random thoughts and probably shouldn't see the light of day they are written so bad... but I found these interesting just to see how it went from okay to terrible so fast. And it was fast. This book had tiny chapters (often under 2k words) and was probably, roughly, 45k words total. I still want the time I spent reading this back. *grumble*

Oh, before the spoilers I would like to say.... had I read this book when it first came out I probably would have liked it more. I think I was a little more open to funny stuff then and not so serious about many things... today I feel like I'm on my porch with a cane telling all the kids to GTFO(ff) my lawn. :|

A week ago I was still installing Netscape Navigator!

Were people still using Netscape in 2004? O_o or was this book written in 1997 and didn't reach publication until 2004? Hmmm... yep, I think 17 year old me would have liked this better. Anyway, chapter notes below in the spoiler tags, they are spoilers so beware if you plan to read this.

1. MC is having a bad day (gets laid off, has to cancel her bday party because of the weather) and gets hit by a car. This chapter had an effective method of foreshadowing/flash back for details on a paranormal attack against her months prior.

2. She wakes up at a funeral home in cheap cast-off clothes/shoes courtesy of step-mother that she hates. She thinks she's a zombie and tries to off herself but fails.

3. She continues on wanting to off herself but runs into a woman and child in an alleyway being attacked by a group of guys. Plot device radar... somehow I doubt the characters she encounters in this chapter will have any part later on. Seemed like the author just wanted to demonstrate the MCs new abilities and shine her in a good light.

4. Another filler chapter... this one to demonstrate her vampire ability to turn men on. She still wants to die, goes to sleep on her bed that faces east and waits for the sun to do her in.

5. MC shows up to her fathers place to reclaim her shoes. Her best friend is there. Not caring about these characters because somehow I bet they are just there to be there.

6. MC tells her friend about coming back to life, friend tells her about the funeral. They leave, shoes in tow, after blending step-mothers jewelry. I wasn't feeling this chapter.

7. She visits her mom, happy reunion. She finds out she can't eat human food anymore without barfing it back up. This will probably be mom's only chapter, and again, it seems to just be here so we know the MC can't eat food and die from diseases.

8. Didn't feel this chapter either. The cops waiting for her at her house and her vamp charm leads to sucking his blood and him wanting to hump her. She turns him away because she knows she's manipulating him with vamp powers. MC comes off as having low self-esteem even though I guess this chapters purpose was to show she's "better" than that (taking advantage of others).

9. Her best friend bought her house and car to make things easier for her (having a rich bestie is so convenient!). She gets a call from a stranger that knows she's a vamp and wants to meet.

10. She gets abducted and taken to a cemetery where she meets other vamps and the "leader" vamp that dresses like old movie/cliche vamp. She tells them to fuck off, they try to 'punish' her with holy water and it doesn't work on her. There is a vamp in this chapter that's probably going to be her interest because she acts like he's disgusting but thinks he is everything but. Same old, same old.

11. She escapes the cemetery and spots a guy who is going to jump off a building. She talks him down, he wants her to bite him and she does and then he wanks off in front of her because instead of wanting to fuck her, he's gay. I bet this guy sticks around, she needs another stereotype buddy.

12. She takes her new pal to dinner, vamp interest guy shows up and claims he wants to help protect her from the bounty that's now on her head for disrespecting the head vamp.

13. MC, her best friend and new pal/now roommate (a doctor) go to the hospital and try to figure out her new undead status. They don't discover anything new, this is a filler chapter again, just to lead to this next event where her friends are ambushed and she's kidnapped again by the head vamp.

14. She meets the head vamp again, denies joining the opposing side (the vamp interest), refuses to join any side again and so they throw her into a dungeon (along with someone else?).

15. A new vamp enters the mix, this new vamp presents her with a cross and they escape the 'fiends' together. So these 'fiends' are the ones who attacked her while she was still alive back in chapter 1. The new vamp chick takes her to the vamp interest because she wants the MC to side with them to overthrow the head vamp.

16. Lots of sex in this chapter but none of it made me even a tiny bit happy in the pants. I pictured the vamp interest as hairy and buff (yuck!). It ended in an odd way, she liked but didn't like being kissed by the new vamp chick? Is this supposed to be a "confused" reaction to being kissed by a girl and liking it? She thinks one thing but speaks another, and I don't like what's coming out of her mouth. :|

17. It's getting annoying how often she has to tell us a vamp winces at the word God. This chapter was also disgusting, the chick vamp has sex with the cop from chapter 8 even though she doesn't really want to and does it for the MC. This came off as convoluted/unnecessary and just gross.

18. Man, this chapter is bad too. They bribe her to help by waggling shoes in her face. She was adamant about not helping them and then she jumps into his arms and kisses him because.... of shoes? I get it, funny. NO. Can't even like her a tiny bit right now and I'm glad when she gets clobbered. *cheering at Donald*

19. She is kidnapped yet again, this time she's strapped to a table or whatever. Her 'witty' or snarkiness is just fucked up here. This chapter basically tells you everything you didn't already figure out yourself. Probably was supposed to be an exciting chapter, but really I just wanted to finish already.

20. The vamp interest is badly burnt so she heals him by fucking in a pool of water (ick) and it's not all -that- bad except then she starts hearing the vamp interest's voice in her head and he is SUPER CHEESY.

21. This chapter was obvious 2-3 chapters ago. Bleh.

Epi. Not going to continue this series... that's for sure.

(show spoiler)

Might have noticed I don't mention any names in my notes or the review. The MC had 3-4 names, the vamp interest had 3-4 names, the villain had 3-4 names too. The only names I remember in this book are 1) Jessica her best friend, and 2) Tina, the chick vamp. Shitty character development. No world development, either.

2 1/2 stars only because it was well written and kept my attention and I am well aware that if I wasn't such a grinch I might have enjoyed this for what it is, a quick 'wanna-be funny' read with vamps. -edit- took off 1/2... it really is just a 2 and that's being generous. v_v;